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Journal to Etai #2 2005-12-08 // 2:51 p.m. Tue, 6 Dec 2005 11:22a.m. Hi Etai, Yes, I did receive your phone messages and thank you. I felt a little bit childish in the whole thing, like I was asking for validation. But I put those thoughts aside because they were nothing but my mind getting in the way of things as it usually tries to do. Truth is, Little Kyle really needed to hear the things you said. I remember Jerry saying that there is a difference between letting your little self run the show and simply being nurturing to that little self. That's what it feels like I did - nurtured my little self by writing you that e-mail and listening to your phone messages. Understand something, though. It's not that you've hurt me. I feel pain yes, definitely, especially in moments where all I want is the perspective that our conversations always bring. But this pain and struggle is not a fault of yours. It just is. You know what I mean? You are "there" and I am "here" and we are both broke and busy, not to mention going through a lot of personal stuff that leeches off of our individual "free time," causing us to feel separate from each other. It sucks. I was talking with Jenna after I listened to your messages and she said that she was glad that I wrote you and you responded and that in the future she thinks making it a priority to be in person with you every 3-4 months is necessary. Now, that's a costly venture, but she seems to think it's doable if we were to buy plane tickets in advance and sleep on your floor once you two have an apartment. Renting a car is not all that expensive if you shop around. Of course this thought is once again on the back burner because I did end up quitting my job. So, once again I am unemployed. This time has really gotten to me though. See, to put the situation in a nutshell, I had a rock solid work ethic my whole life, right up until I left the newspaper job. I never called in sick and certainly didn't hop around from job to job. But something happened in my quitting the Journal Inquirer. See, my decision to quit resulted from a certain permission I gave myself to be nurturing to what I needed because I felt that the company was no longer a healthy environment for me. I had been working for a new supervisor and working for him caused me daily questioning of my core values. Now, when I say that the decision was an act of giving myself permission to nurture myself, "permission" is the key word. This is something I'd never done before, concerning work. I just always had a job and didn't much consider how good or bad a particular job was for my soul. It felt good to finally be able to consider my true self in a work situation. But somehow in the past year since I've left the newspaper, that permission to nurture myself has turned into utter abandon for any desire to work at all, anywhere. I don't know how this has happened. I went from the dependable employee who never called out sick, whose only fault was off-and-on tardiness problems, to someone who has utterly no desire to get up each day and go earn a living. I've hopped from job to job - I've held seven short-lived positions since leaving the newspaper - and have had several periods of unemployment as well. Now, call me crazy, but when I started working as a deli clerk in our town's supermarket, I felt for some reason that I had found a place that I was willing and wanting to stay for a while. I enjoyed my coworkers and the job was very physical, which led me to believe that working there would help me lose weight. The company seemed to have really great morale. I wasn't offically full-time and so was not eligible for insurance benefits, but I figured I'd be returning to school before too long and could see about the school's health insurance options while continuing to work at the supermarket about 30 hours per week. For additional money (because it was certainly needed), Jenna and I talked about advertising in the newspaper and putting up flyers and seeing about getting some more housecleaning customers that we could share and make some money under the table. I was also considering looking for an evening PCA job. Point is, though, that my attitude began to change. I liked my workplace. The job itself was okay, nothing to rave about, but everyone there saw me as biologically male, I joked around with my coworkers and in general left each day in a pretty darn good mood. Then, my leg went numb. A few days later, a persistant pain crept in and got worse by the day. Within a few weeks, I found myself unable to work through a full shift. I went to the doctor and pretty much was told that I needed to look for a new job because my leg wasn't going to get better any time soon. I got a doctor's note excusing me from a few days' work, then I went back to try a shift and almost passed out from pain about two hours into my shift. I left that day and never returned. No phone call, no letter, nothing. Just walked out on them because I was ashamed and embarrassed and really pissed off at the universe. Now, of course the simple way to look at this situation would be to say that it's good that I had found a decent attitude about a job, good that I had found a job I would have stayed at for a while if medical issues hadn't intervened. I've experienced a set back, and now the thing to do is move on. That's the simple way to see things. But with my state of mind that has become increasingly fragile this past year, this whole leg/supermarket business has become a serious setback. I feel so much anger. I feel like a child whining that this just isn't fair. It's not that I created a huge attachment to the supermarket - I didn't work there long enough for that - it's just that the whole thing, in retrospect, now seems like a dangling carrot because I was so close to feeling settled in a job I was going to keep, and then I had to give it up. And the icing on the cake is that Jenna is getting fed up. She has been wonderful through all this since I left the newspaper. She has supported me through each attempted job, each resignation, each period of unemployment. She pays most of the bills, we are sharing her car because I have no money to insure and register mine, and her family has helped us financially when my parents have refused. I am increasingly embarrassed by this codependent nature that has come out in me, but I continue to allow the situation to persist. I should be eternally grateful to her for all she's seen me through but instead, yesterday, I attacked her in some bizarre fight that resulted from my feeling that she is not considerate enough of my feelings. I feel like I'm going mad. And she's not going to put up with much more, I can sense that. I need to get myself situated. It makes sense that I injured myself at the supermarket job because I had gained a lot of weight and was horribly out of shape and had not had a job where I was constantly on my feet since I worked at Filene's two years ago. It's to the point now where I can't go shopping with Jenna for more than a half hour without being in excrutiating pain. So many, many job possibilities are out of the question. I need a job in an office, sitting down. That's it, no other job will work right now. And the ironic thing is that the last job I quit befor the supermarket was a 100% sit-down cubicle job. The irony! I'm in one of those cycles, you know? I'm feeling awful about myself, more and more worthless with each passing week. I've gained an obscene amount of weight this year, which doesn't help because I feel that I physically look awful and I have very little clothing that fits. In order to feel better about myself, I need to improve my daily life, starting with having a job I won't quit after a few weeks. But in order to find that job that I'll stick with, I need to feel better about myself. Do you see what I mean? Ah but I have no choice. I can't get trapped in that cycle because it is a spiral. I need to just find a job, any sit-down job, and keep it. The other things that will make me feel better will have to just come as they will. The whole thing feels so forced. There is one thing I've been doing that I can say is completely positive. I started doing yoga again. It seems my leg can withstand my 20-minute power yoga tape and, since I was told that immobility is part of what caused the injury, I figure getting back into yoga can be nothing but positive. I feel great each time I finish the tape, but it is sometimes a battle to begin a session. Ah, one day at a time. If only I could remember that in all facets of my life. I hope every day that Jenna has the strength and the will to see me through this. We are engaged, we've said that we are forever, but that is a choice that we each make every day and she might stop chosing it if I drag her down too far with me. I pray that she has the patience to see this through with me. The new year is upon us and it couldn't have come at a better time - I need an excuse for a life resolution. I'm going to get going. As I've typed this to you, I'm supposed to be e-mailing resumes to job postings I've seen in the newspaper these past few days. Once again, I need to ask your assistance, should people call you for references. Just say that I worked for you until last month, when you moved to California. Always say "last month" even if it's next year :o) Saying that I've been working under your supervision as a PCA since January of 1999 is my only saving grace on my resume. Ah, I hope I haven't bored or saddened you to tears. I love you very much and thank you for listening. I want to hear how you're doing. How you're really doing. Nemaste, - Kyle - ...Like I said - Moving on... I belong to the following diaryrings: DgDesigns