|
Newest This site and its contents, unless otherwise noted,
|
2005-12-08 // 2:38 p.m. I am going to keep a log here of e-mails that I write to Etai in this time of struggle over the distance that separates us. Unfortunately, I cannot keep record of his responses here because calling and leaving voicemails in response is much easier for him than typing. Despite this, I figure it is still quite important for me to catalog my outbound messages to him because they are the closest thing to a journal that I am keeping right now. This first posting is a letter I wrote to him last week. He responded with a four-part voicemail. Included in his response was that I have always been, and remain, on the very top of his list of people who are closest to him and that he loves me, quite possibly, more than he has ever loved anyone. The reassurance that came from his messages was quite amazing. It is true - we are brothers. Wed, 30 Nov 2005 3:06p.m. Hi Etai, It's been a while and for this I apoligize. Let me be honest with you - things are going relatively well over here with two main, rather large exceptions that are eating away at me slowly. 1) money has grown increasinginly tight in these parts and 2) my health has not been so great - I discovered after a much-hesitated trip to the doctor on Monday (I hesitated for money reasons because I do not have health insurance) that I have a pinched nerve at the very top of my left outer thigh. I have been experiencing for about three weeks a total numbness on skin level of my left outer thigh and a strong, painful burning sensation under the skin that I relate to the pouring of hot acid onto my body. Yes, I know I am forever dramatic but I have been in quite some pain. Bad news is that the doc says this will last for a few months up to a year and that there is nothing to do but wait and take Advil. This news grows increasingly worse as I consider the fact that my only job at the moment is quite physical - I am working as a deli clerk in a supermarket and the job involves a lot more activity than I had originally thought. I like the job well enough and I enjoy the people I work with, but it appears I will have to replace it (or at least lower the hours considerably and get a second job) because I can't seem to make it through even a four-hour shift without coming close to tears. I'm doing my best to keep my chin up, but I will admit I'm bummed. Other than this, Jenna and I are good. She is looking for more work to add to what she has. We had her parents, brother and sister-in-law over for Thanksgiving dinner and it was a raving success. We now feel as though the walls that surround us are truly a home. Jenna had signed up for four classes this semester and she has dropped them all for reasons that are a complete mystery to both myself and her. She is experiencing some depression over this, questioning and doubting whether she will ever receive the forestry degree she wants so badly if she can't manage a full-time semester of core requirement classes. I pray in time answers and solutions will come. Meanwhile concerning school, I plan to take a literature course next semester if I can afford it, to get one step closer to the BA in English that I need in order to apply to UConn Hartford's one-year master's/certification in Secondary English Ed. program. The whole process is on slow-mo because of money, but I refuse to bring it to a halt entirely. There is something I want to share with you. During a rather serious conversation between Jenna and myself last week that included many subjects, she asked me to tell her the honest reason why I have not returned your last few phone calls---why it has been a while since I've shown interest in talking with you. I'm sure you might be wondering the same thing. Well, as soon as she asked this, I burst into unstoppable tears. The truth is I miss you more than I've ever missed anyone in my life. I feel as though a part of me is far, far away in a place I cannot afford to visit. I read the mass e-mails you send and I have to admit it hurts that Lisa and Micah are the people in your immediate circle and I am not a part of that. More importantly, though, it hurts that you have not yet returned the long e-mail I sent to you about two months ago, the one where I mentioned the possiblity of us planning to live together again at some point in the foreseeable future. I realize that time, distance and circumstances make it difficult for us to keep in close contact, and even more difficult for us to know where we'll be down the line, but I can't understand why you wouldn't have found the time to write back. I believe my words to Jenna when she asked me that question were, "I miss him so much it feels like I'm bleeding." I feel different about myself and my life than I ever have before and it is a palpable loss that I do not have you nearby to process things with, the way we used to wade our way through life together. That is the truth. I do not share this to bring guilt to you but to have you understand how much a part of me you are and how lost I feel on occasion. You are a brother, a best friend, a mentor that I want for my children and I can't afford a lousy plane ticket to visit you, to see this coast that you feel is home and to meet the person you want to spend your life with. This saddens and angers me and so, I fear, I have distanced myself somewhat because the whole situation just hurts. I realize these are hard sentences to swallow but I wanted, out of respect for you and our friendship, to let you know that I've been struggling with this. I read about your kidney stones and UTI problem and I have said a prayer. I hope your health continues to improve. I'm glad, also to read that Lisa is doing well in her convertion course - I know this is an important part of your life together as well as her life separately. And the script--well, I suppose we both knew that editors, producers and the like are monsters of deception when they work with an artist's piece, but there is that naive part of us that believes that our name's attachment to something actually means we have a say in the final presentation. I feel your pain in terms of my future dealings with publishers and the like. I'll just offer a reminder to be proud that your creative work is being dealt with seriously, albeit flexibly *smiles* Keep your chin up on the apartment search; it takes time but the right place is worth waiting for. I'll leave now and say that I hope I haven't dampened your spirits too much with this e-mail. I just wanted to be pure in sharing my feelings because it has been difficult for me to do up to this point and you deserve to truth. Be well and keep smiling, - Kyle -
|