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2004-09-23 // 10:04 p.m. Maybe this is why I had last minute reservations about moving in with C and Chef. The move felt like the right idea right up until two weeks before my moving date. When the doubts began to make their nest, I determined that it was an old pattern slipping in, keeping me within my family's reach. Too close for comfort. I went ahead with the move and, since my first few moments living here, I have felt open, safe and at home. Not an easy feat for someone who has felt homeless in every living space they've had since 19-years-old. I've been telling the people in my life how happy I am with this move, how positive and uplifting it's been for my spirit, how I've given myself the space and privacy needed to venture into this next stage of my life. And the whole of it costing $500 per month. What a deal for leasing what has quickly become a sanctuary. Now we arrive at this moment, tonight. C just told me that she packed her things and went to her mom's this evening. She said, "Chef and I are having a lot of problems right now and I'm not sure if it's going to work out." She looked so sad, but here she was back home, suitcase in hand, praying to somehow make things work. I knew something was horribly wrong two nights ago, and it seems to have progressed since then. So here I sit in my new home, "making myself scarce" as asked of me, not being able to help but wonder if there will be yet another unplanned move on the not-so-distant horizon. Today happens to be C and Chef's four-year anniversary. Four years, man. What is it about anniversaries? I remember my two-year anniversary with Red and the disaster that entire week became. In my case, that week was the concrete beginning of an end that had been coming for ages. I hope the story isn't the same for C and Chef. I love C from the bottom of my heart and, interestingly, I've come to love the two of them together. That was an unexpected gift. Most importantly, I want whatever's best for C. I lover her so much and I know her well. I tremble at the thought of what would follow the end of a four-year relationship. Hell, she was hardly recognizable after the two of them broke up the first time, a mere year or so after they first got together. Now, nearly three years later, they've come full circle and find themselves back on shaky ground. God, sometimes relationships just suck. I've considered myself purposefully and, for the most part, happily single for the past year. Isn't it interesting that now, just as I've been beginning to feel myself open to the possibility of slowly getting back into the dating pool, I find myself living in an environment where two people who are dear to me might not make it. Just two nights ago, C confided in me that she was thinking of ways to ask Chef to marry her. Amazing how quickly things change. And I do not say this lightly. C really loves Chef, it's plain as day. And Chef of course loves C in return, but I don't know Chef a fraction as well, so it's hard to know what she's thinking. In any case, I'm getting a little too into this. This may be something that will blow over. I hope that's the case. Even so, a relationship saved by a thread needs breathing room. If they do make it through this, I'd imagine they'd far prefer living alone for a while, at least until things slide back into routine. I know them, though. They'd probably feel too guilty to ask me to leave. This looks like the makings for a nice drama recipe; just the thing I avoid whenever possible. Of course the only thing to do is wait and see. That and be fascinated by the "coincidences" surrounding this new situation. Time for me to lay low for a while. I just hope this doesn't turn into yet another powerful lesson about following intuition.
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