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2005-12-22 // 2:07 p.m. I've been thinking of Holly these past few days, today especially. It makes sense. Holly always said that the heart does not forget anniversaries - ones of all kinds. This can even mean a person might feel depression or just a sad mood for no apparent reason because it happens to be a certain time of year that the heart is remembering; the conscious memory might not have a clue what is causing the sadness. Well, in this case I am conscious of where the sadness is coming from, though that helps little because there is no possible thing to do about it. This week reminds me of Holly, three-fold. First, it is the holidays and everyone knows that, in addition to the merry, warm feelings that this time of year brings, this is also a time when we feel the gravity of past losses in our lives. Whether it is someone's death or someone you had a falling out with or someone you've simply lost touch with...this is a time when emotions of loss are poignant because the holidays are supposed to be shared with family and loved ones. Second, Christmas day also happens to be Holly's birthday. The first year we met, Christmas fell just a few weeks after Holly and I started talking. When I found out her birthday was on Christmas, I offered to take her to a movie on Christmas morning because I wanted to acknowledge her birthday as a separate entity from Christmas. I know from experience that people whose birthdays are on or near Christmas often get a bit shafted because of the hustle and bustle of the holidays. I brought her a dozen yellow roses to work on Christmas Eve - which turned out to be her favorite kind of flower - and we had our first really wonderful talk. She was touched by my gesture of the movie and the flowers and I do believe those few days were a significant part of why we began to be close. Third, as already mentioned, this is the time of year when I first got to know Holly. The weeks leading to Christmas 2003 were filled with excitement over this new person I was coming to know and admire. Now, a mere two years later, I am looking back on an intense, short-lived friendship that ended sourly. We both still wish each other well, but it is obvious that neither of us see a place for the other in our lives. It remains unbelievable to me that a person who once sat so close to my heart for such a brief, urgent time, has exited my life in a puff of smoke. That's it. A chapter closed. Interestingly, Jenna received a phone call - in response to her advertisement in the paper for her cleaning business - from a woman named Linda who lives in Holly's apartment building. When did the call come? This week. Who is the woman? A middle-aged woman who spends her days working as a writer from home. How bizarre is that? The universe continues to mystify me. There's not much to conclude in terms of what I'm feeling today. I believe it is natural that my thoughts would return to Holly this week. This woman meant so much to me, in such an intense way, for such a brief period of time. In some ways, her mark is indelable. My heart cannot forget. And to be honest, I really can't at all say whether I wish it could.
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