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� K.E.S., 2004 -->

letter to Jess
2006-10-14 // 4:19 p.m.

Hi Jess -

*sighs* Well, undoubtedly you've heard some negative news from Amie about me. I'm not sure if my writing you is welcome, but I've really been wanting to so I hope you don't mind.

There are two reasons I'm writing, really. First, I want to say an incredibly long overdue thank you for that e-mail you sent me quite a while back. I'm not sure if you still have the same sentiment about me, but I need to tell you that your e-mail could not have come at a better time and could not have possibly been more kind in a way that I very much so needed. It was as though you'd cosmicly tapped into my soul and saw that I needed to be uplifted. The past year-and-a-half or so of my life has been a pretty wicked ride, mostly filled with a depression I had no idea I could feel. Through it all, the one thing that has kept me going is the undying goodness and generosity of my partner, Jenna. She has been amazing to me in ways I'm still not certain I deserve.

I've come to some extremely startling conclusions about myself and my life in recent months, and pray that I am entering into some better scenery. I've delved into issues with my gender, my parents, and my ways of interacting with all the many different people who've been in my life. And what I've come to see is that it's incredible how much we, as human beings, embody the very things we judge as most disgraceful in others. More specifically and personally, it blows my mind how inauthentic I've been in just about all aspects of my life. It's not that I've been a bad person, but just that my life has been pretty much solely driven by self-centered thought. It's been both a scary and humbling ride.

I want to tell you that I'm extremely grateful to have had the chance to know you. Even if you don't feel it's right to stay in communication with me, it is still important that you know how amazing of a person I have always thought you were. I didn't write back to your e-mail initially because I was in a sort of emotional spiral. I knew if I wrote back I'd engage you in a whole slew of problems I was facing and that wouldn't have been fair. You contacted me in hopes of starting something positive and I didn't want to disrespect or disappoint you by sharing a really dark side of me. Also, since I'm being honest, I guess I was afraid your opinion of me would change if you saw how hard of a time I was having.

In fact, of course I should have known better. I should have known you better. You've been through hard times and you look at life probably about as deeply as I do. I know you wouldn't have judged my depression and you probably wouldn't have stepped away from it either. I'm sorry I didn't give you the option.

The second reason I'm writing is, of course, to address the e-mail I sent to Amie. I'm sure she must have shared it with you. When I wrote that e-mail, I was pretty upset, and I believe that showed in the tone of the e-mail. You see, something happened quite a while back that really upset me and I never addressed it with Amie. When she first came across my profile on myspace, she noticed that I referred to Jenna as my fiance. Well, I'm not sure what on earth Amie was thinking, but she left a public comment on my profile asking me "what on earth I was thinking" calling "this chic" my fiance when "all she does is treat me like shit." Now, first of all, I have no idea where Amie got this idea from. I can recall one phone call in which I was telling Amie about a fight Jenna and I had had, and that is my only guess as to where Amie came to the conclusion that Jenna treated me badly. Otherwise, there really is no reason why Amie would believe this, and it is entirely untrue. But the real issue I had was not so much Amie's statement (I could have handled reading that in a private e-mail), but the fact that she left it as a public comment on my website! I mean, did she not realize that Jenna would see it?

Well, anyway, I never addressed this with Amie. I never told her how upset I was. I did, however, leave her a few voicemails asking if we could get together because I wanted to talk with her about something. I don't know, I guess I just felt that I wanted to talk to her in person about it because her poor judgement in leaving that public comment really bothered me. Not to mention, it also made Amie's name a total taboo with Jenna. When, after a few failed efforts, Amie and I never got together (with months in between going by without communication), I finally just sort of decided that she and I had drifted and that the friendship was pretty much in the past. I mean, outside of a few myspace comments and a few phone voicemails, we haven't spoken in two years.

I'm sad about losing Amie's friendship. I really am. She and I have a lot of history, and we've been there for each other through some pretty rough times. We also have some great memories like singing our hearts out to the radio in the car and talking for hours upon end up at UConn about all the wonders of life. I really miss those things. But the bottom line is that she created a big problem by leaving that public comment. Now, if it were just me and her involved, I think we could have talked it through and been okay. But Jenna is an incredibly sensitive person. She had a hard time with the thought of me being friends with Amie to begin with because she's an ex of mine and that is something that just bothers Jenna. But Jenna was willing to try to be okay with it because of how much I assured her it was ancient history and Amie and I just had a really good friendship. Jenna even tried to surprise me once last year by calling Amie and having her come up for a surprise visit (it never happened because the phone # Jenna tried had been disconnected). Then, all of a sudden and out of the clear blue, Amie leaves a really hateful public comment and any hope of Jenna being okay with the friendship was just gone.

You may be wondering why I'm sharing this with you. Well, first of all, I really am interested in staying in touch with you and I felt that it might be awkward without an explanation. But there's another reason. I don't feel right about writing Amie another e-mail. I probably really hurt her feelings with the first one I wrote and I hardly think hearing from me again would be welcome. Not to mention, I've assured Jenna that I'm not in touch with her anymore. Jess, you're the only person I know who also knows Amie. I guess I just wanted to set the record straight about why things happened the way they did. I'm not asking you to say anything with Amie. That's not necessary. I just know that sharing my reasons with someone who's close to Amie felt important in some sort of karmic way. It's hard to explain.

In any case, it's entirely your call as to whether you want to be in touch. Either way, it's really important to me that you know how much your e-mail touched me. I printed it out and saved it in a file in my desk. Even though your words spoke of a person you met years ago, they reminded me of who I really am at my core and it made me so happy to know that you - someone I really value and respect on a spiritual level - had seen that real, authentic me. In many ways, the last few years of my life have been about returning to the safe, secure knowledge of who I really am and being comfortable with whoever that person is. I've stripped myself raw, so to speak, and although I'm not sure I believe in actual new beginnings, I'm starting about as fresh as humanly possible. If you're interested, Jess, you are whole-heartedly welcome in this new space I'm creating. Either way, I wish you and Mike so much love and spirit and joy in life. It's been a real pleasure.

- Kyle -

...Like I said - Moving on...

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