Newest Older Profile Guestbook D-Land This site and its contents, unless otherwise noted, � K.E.S., 2004 -->

E #5 - crazy making stuff 2006-01-26 // 11:30 a.m. I could scream. I really could. Too bad I'm in a library and it isn't my style to get kicked out of places. I feel so much anger. I woke up with a start this morning, realized I had five minutes to pull myself together and drive Jenna to a house she was cleaning. I guess the expression "I got up on the wrong side of the bed" is fitting today because my mood has been sour ever since consciousness filtered its way in. I used simple sentences and one-word answers during the little conversation Jenna and I had in the car. After I dropped her off, I came here to the school library to print out more of her cleaning flyers so we can put them up. I had to park far out in the parking lot and I fell on a sheet of sheer ice on the way in. My pants are now muddy and wet. I forgot to bring my book with me and now I have an hour to kill before I have to go pick up Jenna. A few days ago, I totaled the number of books that I read in 2005. I keep a Word document with titles and authors and my own personal star system. I give each book up to five stars in rating, based on writing and story. I am stingy with giving five stars, but I noticed that 2005 ended with a bang, so to speak: I gave five stars to the last three books I read. Cool. In any case, for the first time, I reached a goal of reading 25 books for pleasure in a calendar year. I hold two goals: 25 as a realistic number (a book every 2 weeks) and 33 as a higher goal (a book every 10 days). Well, it's awesome that I reached the goal of 25 but I'm wondering just how good of a thing it actually is. Perhaps 2005 was the year I reached that goal because I was so depressed and I escaped in books on a daily basis. Oh well, whatever my reasons, no one can take away anything I've absorbed from reading those books so I suppose I will choose to look at it positively. From my last journal entry, Etai replied that I was clearly in a "system" and that he wished he knew what he could do to drag me out of it. Well, I feel more in a system today than I did when I wrote my last entry. Today, I just feel pissed. At life. There is one good thing I have to report, though. Actually, a very good thing. I am no longer unemployed. Not only this, but my new job is not just a money fix; it is a job I really wanted. Last year, before Jenna and I attempted Massachusettes, I worked for a guy named Jeff who is quadriplegic. Jeff is perhaps the most mellow person I've ever met. Easy going, down to earth, great sense of humor. Perhaps some of these traits come from the fact that he consumes large amounts of marijuana daily, but whatever the case, he is a joy to be around. (and somehow or other he has managed to become the one exception to my rule of hating pot.) In any case, he was the one thing I regretted leaving when Jenna and I moved. Since we returned from Mass, I've been trying to muster the courage to call him to see if he might consider rehiring me, at least as a backup for when his PCA's called out sick. I was nervous to do so because I wasn't sure if I'd left him with a bad feeling since I'd only worked for him for about three months when I told him I was moving and had to quit. Anyway, I noticed in the paper that he was advertising last weekend. I called immediately. Well, he took a few days to mull it over, and he did ask me a few times about how committed I was able to be this time, but he has chose to hire me again. It's just weekends - Sat and Sun 8am-2pm - but it's something. God, I look at the last paragraph and I'm disgusted by myself because I'm so long-winded. Why did I take up that much space just to say that Jeff rehired me and I'm happy about it? I'm just not sure about myself right now - not sure I should be writing, not sure I should be thinking, not sure I should be alive. Man, I'll reread that at some point in the future and laugh at how melodramatic I can be. Well, I am my mother's kid after all. But let's not go into that - I'm frightened by recent similarities I see in her and myself. Scary stuff. Not good. Don't forget to breath; in the nose, out the mouth - very important. "Never put passion before principle" - Etai reminds me of Miagi's words. I don't feel that I've done this in the past year, but the words remind me of something more broad: mixing up priorities. And I have definitely done that. In the past year, I've put my depression before everything. I've put it before myself, certainly, but I've also put it before Jenna and my love for her. I've put it before her to such an extent that I've allowed her to support me, not entirely, but mostly. You know that expression, "He/she is just too cool to get out of their own way." Well, I'm just too depressed to get out of my own way. And it's made me self-centered. I used to be the person who said that depressed people can be the most selfish because they can't see past their own problems to recognize that their life affects the people around them. I was right. And man, now I'm eating my own words in my daily life. I feel a bit as though I'm not making much sense. I feel frantic. The day before yesterday, I had a crazy experience for the first time in my life - I heard voices fighting in my head. I couldn't hear what they were saying - didn't want to - but they were arguing and angry and frantic and I couldn't make them stop. It lasted for nearly an hour and then it just went away. I didn't recognize the voices, and I knew they were just in my head. I didn't think I was being spoken to or anything like that, I just heard these voices like it was an auditory dream but I was awake. That can't be a good sign. I'm going to stop running this stream of consciousness; it does not feel productive. It's actually kind of crazy-making. One thing before I go, though. On the phone, Jeff said it was serendipitous that I moved back and he needed to hire someone shortly thereafter. "Serendipitous" lol - this word coming from this 6'4", pot-head, basketball-obsessed straight guy kind of made me laugh. He also said he had no bad feelings about the way I left last time and just asked that I commit to one year this time. (I can do that, no problem.) I said I thought we clicked really well last time and he agreed. The phone call made me smile, it really did. Smiling is a good thing. :o) ...Like I said - Moving on... I belong to the following diaryrings: DgDesigns